Most games from Lionhead Studios, especially games involving Peter Molyneaux, remind me of an old political cartoon from the Clinton presidency.  On the left, Clinton is seated before sheet music labeled “Promises” with his saxophone, a skein of notes visibly emerging from it.  On the right, he’s seated before sheet music labeled “Delivery”, this time playing a kazoo.

And indeed, Lionhead has once again brought me way more sizzle than steak with their release of Fable II, the game Molyneaux swore up and down would blow Fable away.

On that point, he’s right.  Fable II does blow Fable away.  It has a whole new generation’s worth of graphical processing power to play with, a metric ton of mini games and several new characters inhabiting a storyline that will encompass decades in a world that will change visibly with every decision you make.

The only problem, of course, is that while Molyneux and company were building this massive world, they forgot that video games are supposed to have this thing called PLOT.

On the surface, Fable II looks to have plot in abundance, with you playing as a hero of legend who doesn’t know it yet gone in search of various other heroes of legend.  They will in turn lend their powers to make you a kind of SUPER hero of legend.  And once you have become this magnificent figure you will then go out and defeat the villain who killed your sister about ten years prior.

Said villain, meanwhile, is visibly trying to rebuild the Death Star.  You think I’m kidding there, but I’m really not–Fable II’s big bad is out to rebuild a gigantic spire-like facility (okay, so it’s not the same SHAPE.) that has mystical powers sufficient to reshape the world according to his own twisted whims.  He’s stocked said facility with a seemingly infinite number of identically dressed lesser baddies (if they were wearing white I’d swear they were stormtroopers), some of which you’ll have to fight for a few minutes.

The main plot of Fable II, and this is the game’s primary problem, should take you only a few hours to beat if you’re sufficiently motivated and you can ignore the alarming number of pop-up shiny things that will seek to distract you from the main quest plot.  It’s like this game was designed by a team of ferrets desperately in need of Ritalin.

Side quests, featuring such mundanities as chopping wood, making knives and slinging ale for quick cash, will abound throughout Fable II, and this may be the game’s ultimate strength.  The world of Fable II will allow you to become a bounty hunter, a slave trader, a real estate mogul, and a general jack-of-all-trades doing pretty much anything you want and altering the very world with your decisions, as long as you can ignore the fact that there’s a madman with a magic wish tower somewhere out at sea.

Indeed, this particular point leaves Fable II feeling somewhat schizophrenic.  Yes, you may think, I own half of the downtown shopping district of every town I’ve been to and if I can just kill a few dozen more cockroaches I can easily buy the rest of it, but the whole time, you have to actually TRY and forget that there’s a lunatic who wants to destroy REALITY with his tower that grants wishes.  Of course, he’ll never actually get the chance to USE it any time before you’re ready to take him on, but it just feels so very ridiculous.

Clearly, Molyneaux and company went for a game with huge replay value.  You can play as good or evil, you can launch yourself into completionist heaven, or you can charge through the main plot for a truly lousy payoff (try the main ending sometime and see if you’re not disappointed by the “final boss fight”.  It’s in quotes for a very good reason.).  And because of this variety, you can’t call Fable II a BAD game.  Sadly, due to its fractured nature and weak main story, you really can’t call it a GOOD one either.