Ninja Blade, one of the newest titles out right now for the Xbox 360–at least until later this year when Playstation 3 fans will get their crack at it, proving once again that Sony’s marketing divisions are run by some type of lower primate who’s probably drunk on tequila twenty three hours out of every day.

The plot requires an extensive background in science fiction, horror movies or Japanese culture to fully understand, because this sucker is a nightmare of overcomplexity.  In Japan, in 2010, a small village was attacked by…creatures.  That’s really about the best description for them.  Anyway, those who survived the creature attack were moved to a central research facility for further examination, and the village, or what was left of it, was declared “Alpha Site”.  The surviving villagers, undergoing that further examination, are revealed to be suffering from a flesh-eating disorder, caused by some kind of hookworm.  This hookworm, not surprisingly, is dubbed “Alpha Worm” (Alpha Site, Alpha Worm, yeah yeah, we get it), and it had some surprising effects on the infectees–it made them super-strong and resistant to damage, but it also made them violent and insane.

The infectees broke out of their research-based containment, and both do a whole lot killing as well as spreading their infection around.  Thus, Japan sends its greatest natural resource to take care of the problem–ninjas.  Yes, ninjas.  Actual geniune honest-to-god NINJAS.  Now, most other places would’ve sent their army, or perhaps a dedicated squad of special forces types like SAS or Green Berets or even the French Commandoes, but not Japan–when the insane superpowered hookworm-infested monsters break loose and start running amok in Tokyo, Japan calls out the NINJAS.

See what I mean?  This is WAY too much plot for this game, which is basically run around from point A to point B and then all the way to point Z where you’ll fight a gigantic monster and then repeat the process on the next level.  You’ll have a collection of unlikely weapons to accomplish this not so stellar feat, including the Twin Falcon Swords that can be used as grappling wires with their extendable blades (no, it really doesn’t make much sense to me either) and a gigantic sword that’s extra heavy meant for breaking open monster armor.  And my description isn’t so glib as you’d think, either–all you do in Ninja Blade is run around a level, killing whatever infectees show up, and then continuing on until the end of the level, where you’ll fight some huge infectee that’s quite possibly several infectees melted together.
Yes, as a matter of fact, I DO enjoy typing the word “infectee”.

I will give Ninja Blade some credit for pushing the envelope by also including periodic action sequences that depend on timely button presses to be passed successfully, because this really adds a note of high energy to otherwise drab proceedings, but frankly, it’s too little too late as the rest of the game around these great sequences is just another drab run, jump and slay platform beat-em-up.  There’s not a whole lot to distinguish this game from others in its classification, and frankly, I can’t abide by that.  Thus, Ninja Blade turns out to be way too dull to get any kind of recommendation from me.